I am NOT...

pregnant, expecting, with child, in the family way, neither do I have a bun in the oven.

I address this matter simply because I have had several, and when I say "several" I mean, for the past 12 months, encounters with the at first bearable but now dreaded "Are you expecting?" or "When are you due?" questions. If every one's inquiry was based on fact, I would be the mother of a 3 month old child. It's amazing what I've been through and everyone else seems to know of it but me.

I am not bitter about this much expected (no pun intended) turn of events in my life. I'm well aware that after getting married, it's the very next thing people think about..."First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." We've been taught from childhood the very order of things, but between the word "marriage" and the word, "then" I believe there can be a time lapse. In my case, I was allowed 6 months before any questions came to my attention.

I believe you might find some of my stories (and there are more of them than I can write about today)to be as entertaining as I find them to be. I laugh at them because, in reality, they are hilarious; the frequency of them especially. And I laugh, because I have to. After 12 months of questions and comments, it is imperative that I keep my attitude in check. After all, no one means any of it to be offensive. I will keep the identities of those in the following dialogues anonymous. If you notice it to be yourself, don't feel bad, you've only contributed to this blog post. I would have nothing to write about if you didn't say what you were thinking. I'm not at all offended...just in awe at the number of people who have asked and at the way in which they think to ask it. You may have thought you were the only one, but be surprised: you are not. Laugh with me, gasp with me, and relate to me, for I'm sure you've various stories of your own to tell of a similar nature.

Eating for 2 and 3/4

At the beginning of last summer, Jim and I were buying sweet corn out of the back of a pick-up truck from a couple of friendly older fellas.

Corn Guy: How much d'ya need?
Me: Oh, just enough for the two of us.
Corn Guy: (with a wry smile) You mean, 2 and 3/4?
Me: (confused chuckle) Um, nope. Just two.

Jim and I got in the car and I calculated what exactly "3/4" along would be. It was 6 months and 2 weeks. "6 months and 2 weeks!!!" I squealed at Jim. "Do I look 6 months and 2 weeks pregnant! I'm joining a fitness club, that's it!"

My dear husband assured me that this kind fellow selling sweet corn meant nothing of the sort. I still think he should have done his math before guessing aloud.

Because They Must Have Seen Some Test Results that I Didn't Know About

Scenario 1:

Girl: When are you due?
Me: I'm not.
Girl: But, you wear those shirts...you must be.
Me: I'm not.
Girl: But...
Me: I'm not.

Scenario 2:

Lady: (After hugging me, being sure to pat my tummy) When are you going to have that baby??
Me: I'm not having a baby...
Lady: But, you told me that you were.
Me: I did? Well, you must be thinking of someone else.
Lady: No, I'm sure it was you that told me at such-and-such place.
Me: I remember seeing you and talking to you at such-and-such place, but I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you that. I'm not having a baby any time soon that I can tell!

Scenario 3:

Friend: When are you due?
Me: I'm not.
Friend: Oh, I'm sorry!
Me: (smiling sweetly) That's fine, I get it all the time.
Friend: I only mentioned it because I was sure I heard it was true.

Reasons to Believe

"You were standing with your hand on your lower back."
"You crossed your arms over your stomach."
"You gazed at your husband with that look." (I'm not entirely sure what that look is either.)
"Everyone else is."
"So-and-so said you were."

Walk-By Comments

"Are you feeling okay?"
"I think someone's been eating too much."
"We don't want you to be lifting anything heavy."

Right Now: an abbreviated conversation

Friend 1: (walks up from behind)Look, my three favorite people sitting all in a row!
Friend 2: (says nothing, but smiles.)
Friend 3: What, are you pregnant Sarah?
Me: I'm not, but that's hilarious! You wouldn't believe what I'm blogging about!
Friend 3: You don't look like it...
Me: I know, you were just being humble, saying that you weren't one of Friend 1's three favorite people.
Friend 3: Look what happens when you try to be humble. You get into trouble!
Me: I'm not offended at all. It was a very timely question!
Friend 3: (walking out, shakes the back of my chair)
Me: (Sarcastically)Don't jostle me! Be careful!
Friend 3: Oh, yes. The baby!